10 lessons I'm taking in to 2020

Happy new decade everyone! ✨

The first official full week of 2020 is coming to a close already, and it's still a little crazy to me because I feel like 1997 was three years ago . Anyone else? 🕚

Like many of you, I usually start every new year by reflecting on the last and like to do so by journaling. I decided to share a little excerpt from my reflection because I think some of you may benefit from these ten things I had to learn on my own skin, and may even find that we had similar experiences 🦋

This is my longest post yet and I know that a 15 minute reading time is ludicrous to a millennial whose attention span is 12 seconds, but I don't think a line or two per point would do it justice or really teach anyone anything valuable and when I decided I would get back to writing I I really wanted to do that organically and by staying true to my voice rather than trying to mimic what I see everywhere else.

I believe that one of the most beautiful and important things in life is human connection and feeling understood, accepted, and welcomed - and that's just not something you can do with five or six lines.

If you are more of a skimmer and don't want to read the whole thing, here is a table of contents, feel free to scroll to the points that interest you. ☕️

1. Don't ignore your intuition.

2. People don't give advice based on who you are, they give advice based on who they are.

3. Cut out Energy Vampires.

4. Try your best to be more understanding.

5. Learn when to say "No".

6. With age comes confidence.

7. Someone's opinion of you is none of your business.

8. Money is nice, but it really isn't everything.

9. Want vs Need.

10. Life is short.

Without further ado... the first and biggest lesson;

I think we’ve all made a decision and instantly gotten that knot-in-the-stomach feeling. The one where you keep trying to convince yourself that this is a good thing but deep down you know it isn't.

That's your intuition calling you out and you need to stop ignoring it.

Whether it’s about that new person you’re dating, a recent job offer, a large purchase, getting bangs - or anything in-between. The rule of thumb is; If it feels wrong, it probably is.

Quick story time; My sister and best friends joke that I'm like a cat, because no matter what happens or how dire the situation I always land on my feet. I used to agree – it felt like someone was watching over me. I don't know how to explain it, but I just always somehow trusted the universe had my back. And it did.

Until it didn't.

This shift happened when I stopped trusting my inner voice and instead started letting other people's voices in. It got especially bad and unhealthy after I went through a difficult time a few years ago and didn’t trust or believe in myself at all. I questioned my choices, my life, my thoughts, and essentially blamed what was happening on myself. As a result, I took the advice and opinions of others to an extreme and started to change. I was so emotionally exhausted that I essentially became a ghost of my former confident, fun-loving, outspoken, bright self and just kind of went with the flow. It's almost like watching a candle lose its light. If you've experienced something similar, this is probably all too familiar to you. If you haven't - imagine feeling so many emotions so intensely for so long that you completely wipe out and suddenly feel none.

Leading up to and during this state I put immense pressure on myself and where I thought I "needed" to be in life - as most of us do, but again it was to an extreme. Relationship wise, work wise, milestone wise. I had all these ideas of what it should be.

What does this have to do with intuition? Well, I actually knew deep down that I didn't want any of these things and they didn't feel right for me, yet I still tried to conform. So essentially, I wasn't trusting myself or my intuition at all. Now imagine my frustration when I started ticking all these boxes and it still didn't feel right.

Even after I squeezed my way in to this self-inflicted mold by changing my values and goals, by settling, and by chipping away pieces of who I was it literally blew up in my face. And I'm glad it did because it essentially catapulted me back to myself.

It taught me that ignoring your intuition and not being true to yourself is the worst thing you can do and will not lead to fulfillment. It taught me that the low moments are the ones during which we need to trust and uplift ourselves the most.

It taught me that I would rather fail organically than succeed fraudulently. Because succeeding as anything other than who you really are can be the greatest failure of them all.

Imagine waking up in 30 or 40 years and realizing you never lived life the way you wanted to because you didn’t trust your instincts and forge your own path but instead coasted into an "okay" life. This was almost me! And it is almost so many of us! As far as we know, we get one shot at life and it can end literally at any second. So why do anything other than what makes you happy?! I think it’s amazing if you're already living life your way. If you aren't (and are in the position to do so), there's still time to start. ✨

As for me, I recently came back to myself and funnily enough things started falling in to place once more and almost instantly the looming feelings of claustrophobia and stress were replaced with excitement and my old adventurous spirit.

The cat is back.

I don't expect that life will be perfect moving forward (it rarely ever is) but at least this time around I know that whatever happens will happen because of the choices I made wholeheartedly.

2020 (and on) I look forward to the ride and vow to trust myself above all along the way. I hope you will as well, because really - nobody knows you the way you do.

I said this to one of my best friends this year as she was at a crossroads and it stuck with me because it was so true.

When we advise someone we see the scenario through the lens of our values, expectations, experiences, and intuition. We are telling someone how we would solve a problem, or handle a situation.

For example, you're offered an amazing opportunity, but it's in another city (or country). You weigh your pros and cons and then ask two friends for advice.

FRIEND #1 says; "Aren't you scared? You don't know anyone there. Where will you live? What will you do with all your stuff? Isn't moving expensive? What if something happens? I mean it's your call but I could never."

FRIEND #2 says; "That's amazing! My time in Germany changed my whole life! You're going to meet so many new people and get to see a whole new corner of the world! Wow! I'm so excited for you! Do you need help finding a moving company? Trust me, this will be a pivotal part of your life. "

While it may seem like friend #1 is negative and unsupportive, they're not. Judging by their reaction it's safe to say that they wouldn't be able to make that move themselves. They have likely never been very independent and can't imagine that kind of lifestyle change. And that's ok - they're seeing it through their lens. Friend #2 is doing the same exact thing. Think about it, if they had an awful time in Germany would their advice still seem supportive? Neither of these is better than the other. Both are giving you advice not based on who you are, but based on who they are and what they have (or haven't) experienced.

Once this sunk in it was so much easier for me to take people's advice and opinions as just that. I realized that - whether it seems positive or negative - advice is just advice, not a guide on how you should live your life. Even if it comes from those rare few who are able to give us advice based on who we are.

I say this because sometimes after hearing what someone we love, value, and respect says we let our own initial decision be swayed and may even change our mind. I was so guilty of doing this and have definitely wasted time and missed opportunities because I kept changing my mind due to external input. It's ok to hear people out and take what they say into consideration - it usually helps us see another perspective which can be very helpful. But always remember they're seeing it through their lens and that ultimately the only person who knows what's good for you is you.

2020 is the year of detox! We are detoxing our skincare, our makeup, our foods, our homes - and... people. Yup, the people we let in to our lives (both in person and online) affect us more than we think.

To preface this; us women can be a little crazy. And we need to share our crazy so we can feel less crazy. We do this by venting to our heaven sent angels - our best friends. Or the internet if that's your thing... or your partner if that's all you've got available at the need-to-vent-will-explode moment (bless their souls).

While vent-sessions are crucial for our health and sanity, there is a difference between getting something off your chest once in a while and constantly complaining about everything and everyone - that makes you an Energy Vampire.

I can guarantee that you have met one. Think back of a time when you were in an amazing mood and then ran in to someone who started complaining about everything under the sun. Or when you felt someone's presence shift the whole damn room in to darkness every time they enter. Or when yet another post from Negative Nancy ranting about god knows what popped up on your feed.

Next thing you know, the wave of negativity seeps in to you and poof, there goes that amazing mood. Now you're angry too, for no reason. Then you get even angrier because you're angry for no reason.😂 Your energy has been sucked out of you by an Energy Vampire.

It's not their fault - it's ours. Yours. Mine. His. Hers. We can't control how other people behave - but we can control what we allow in to our lives and on to our feeds.

So leave Energy Vampires in 2019 - and try not to be one yourself! Mute or unfollow the ones on social media, and disconnect yourself from the ones in real life. The shift in your mood will be almost instant.

IMPORTANT: Not everyone who has low energy is negative and toxic. When we struggle with something (which we all inevitably do) our energy naturally deflates.This is not being toxic, it's being human. I'm not talking about this at all - please don't abandon your loved ones who are having a difficult time. Distance yourself from those who are and have always been negative and toxic. I know you know the difference.*

This may seem a bit ironic as a follow-up to the last lesson, but just to be clear (again), I'm not saying we need to allow unethical, damaging, or unhealthy behavior. That's not excusable and you can't (and should never have to) "fix" someone.

I'm talking about the smaller differences that can sometimes frustrate us, especially in this era of insant-everything. We get our coffee, groceries, clothing, gadgets - and even intimacy almost instantly through an app, and our patience is at an all time low.

We want it and we want it now.

That's not how humans work.

I have a few friends with kids, and as they were all hitting milestones at different ages one of them said "everyone learns and grows at different speeds, it's not a competition" - and I thought it was such a beautiful way to look at it. Can we please remember this and apply it well into adulthood too?

Give people time, patience, understanding and most importantly clear communication.

How often do we get frustrated because we expect someone to see something our way- right away? Too often.

We quickly forget that we've all gone through different things in life and as a result function differently. Sometimes that's true even if you are raised the same - I have two siblings who were raised in the same household and all three of us still see things very differently.

Not to mention that, for those of you who live in the US or a similar large melting pot of cultures need to remember that there are so many different values and perspectives at play. What is supportive in one culture can be seen as rude in another, and so on.

Just because a person is not doing something exactly the way you need them to, when you need them to doesn't mean that they're not trying their best. So instead of expecting perfection, be kind and communicate clearly and openly.

I used to think that because I understood things a certain way and at a certain speed everyone should - how egocentric is that? Just as you've been frustrated with someone, you've been the reason someone was frustrated. Nobody is right all the time, nobody's opinion is the only one that matters, nobody is the center of the universe. We're all here together, why not make it a kinder and more understanding place to be, grow, and love?

Are you always saying yes? To friends, family, employers, partners, everyone? Are you always moving your own schedule around to fit someone else's? Going the extra mile? Staying late? Arriving early? Prioritizing other's needs?

If you are then you must be exhaaaaaausted.

I know I was. We do this because we don't want to let people down or make them feel as if they are not supported or as if we didn't care. Problem is, we end up spreading ourselves thin and wearing ourselves out, which does us and everyone around us a disservice.

If you're always tired then, naturally, you're never fully present. Your work will become less concise and suffer because you are not resting. If you're burnt out you might as well not attend your lunches, brunches, and dinners with family or friends - it's easy to spot someone who isn't really there and while I agree that sometimes we do need to tough it out (ex. important event we RSVP'd for ages ago), we don't always need to say yes when we already know we won't have the time or energy.

Start saying no. Say no when you're not feeling up to doing something or going somewhere. Cancel if you know you need to rest instead - the right people will understand. The first few times may be weird because for some reason we feel like we need an "excuse" to say no, or as if we should accept every invite that comes our way. Neither are true, nor are they realistic.

I'm not telling you to start saying no to everyone and everything. That's extreme. I'm advising you to start being more intentional with what you say yes and no to. Your time, presence, and help should be valued, not expected. And I don't know about you, bud I'd rather see a rested friend once or twice a month then an exhausted one every week.

Some people have always been confident in themselves and their choices. Some have not. If you're the latter, then you'll see what I mean by this point and you'll know it when you get there.

As you get older you will literally care less about what other people think. Whether that's about you or your life choices - it just doesn't affect you the same way anymore. It's not because you become arrogant, but because you become so secure with yourself and proud of who you are that external validation is just no longer a thing. And it's beautiful.

This point is especially relevant to all my fellow empaths! If you are one, you'll likely take it personally when you learn someone doesn't like you - not because you need to be praised and adored by everyone (that would be a narcissist, opposite of empath) but because you assume you must have somehow hurt or offended them, and you'll want to know what it was.

That was me. Now I'm less worried about impressing people and more interested in whether or not they're impressing me. I realize that someone's opinion of me really is none of my business. There are literally about 5 people whose opinion of me I value, and the rest I take with a grain of salt and you should too!

Accept that everyone has the right to an opinion. And they don't have to like you.

There are plenty of people that I'm not particularly fond of. There are plenty of people that are not particularly fond of me (some may even be reading this, ironically). Not being fond of someone doesn't equate to wishing ill on to them or some kind of high-school dramatics and in the larger scope of life, it's really not that serious. You're not my cup of tea, but that doesn't make you my sworn enemy (and viceversa).

Understand that some people just need a villain and you fit the bill for the time being.

I've seen this happen to others, I've had it happen to me, and unfortunately, I've done it to someone myself. This happens when you're at the wrong place at the wrong time and poof, you're the devil. Whether it's because you disagreed with someone, have made someone feel inferior (yes people are that petty), or a slew of other factors that have nothing to do with you. Sometimes people simply need a scapegoat, and sometimes that will be you. The way those people act has more to do with who they are and what they are going through than with who you are. Don't waste your energy trying to prove a person wrong who is determined to misunderstand you. I say this as someone who has been on both sides.

I'm sure there are enough points to fill up a whole post on this lesson alone, but these are the main two I learned. The best one, though, I learned from my Mama. I remember telling her about a lengthy negative comment I got a few years ago and how I really didn't want to get back to publicly writing and sharing because of what that anonymous account had said and she just looked at me and responded with;

"What does someone's opinion of who they think you are have to do with who you know you are?".

That was my eureka moment and I hope it can be yours as well.

This year I was at the highest and lowest ends of the spectrum, ironically just a few months apart. And what I learned is that while there are not as many things that can make you feel so unstable and unaccomplished as not meeting your financial goals (especially in your 30's) there also isn't much joy that comes from having a good chunk of money in your bank account but no time or energy to spend it because you are constantly working 60+ hour weeks and exhausted.

"24/7 Hustle" culture is toxic as hell.

Money is necessary for happiness to a certain extent - a roof over your head, food in your fridge, gas in your car...etc. On whatever level satisfies you - be it a studio in the suburbs or a 5 bedroom house in Gold Coast.

The key is to remember that (as one of my best friends likes to remind me) we work to live, we don't live to work. Whether that's a job you aren't too fond of, or your dream career - you need balance. And as for money - make it, spend it, save it, however you want with no apologies and to whatever extent you choose to. Just don't let it make you.

This ties in to the last point a little. I keep seeing the quote "Remember the days you prayed for what you have now" and it is such a powerful reminder. Especially because as we get more, we want more.

To some people that "more" is going from a Marc Jacobs bag to a Chanel one. To others it means a promotion at work, or a new car. Do more, achieve more, grow more, make more, have more.

And I fully support that - so long as you are chasing your definition of more, and not someone else's. I struggled with this (in the career realm) the last few years, I felt like I had to keep climbing the ladder and getting to higher positions with more responsibility and more "recognition".

While it looked good on paper and sounded great at networking events, it really didn't do much for my happiness or day-to day life. I was more stressed, more agitated, more irritable and for what? An extra few thousand dollars year? A title that sounds "important"? Who was I looking to impress here? And why?

It was what I thought I wanted, but far from what I needed. Does that resonate with you? The next time you have a big decision to make, look at your personal need vs want. Hear what your instinct is trying to say.

Flip a coin - you'll know what you want it to be mid-air. Set your own standards, and then smash them - for yourself. And... Remember the days you prayed for what you have now.

It's a cliche, I know but we really do forget. 2019 came with loss and a cruel reminder that we can be here today and gone tomorrow, no matter how old we are or how much time we feel is owed to us on this earth.

I'm not saying you should quit your job and blow all your savings on travel or a new car... "Live like there's no tomorrow" is something we hear over and over again but it isn't realistic.

We have bills to pay and things that need to get done. But in the midst of all that, try to live each day a little fuller - to the best of your ability.

Whether you decide to take time on your lunch break and sit on a bench by the beach, or plan more family vacations or dinners, travel to a new city each summer, take a less stressful job so you can enjoy life after 5pm - Whatever it means for you, I hope you get to do it in 2020 and marvel at the mystery that is life.

Wishing you all a safe and happy entry in to a new decade - may it be the best one yet!

All my love,